It was six in the morning and Colaba was still asleep. Most of the residents were still cuddling under the blankets, refusing to come to terms with the fact that another harsh day was waiting for them outside.
Gopal Sundaram, a 25-year-old techie, unlike others, was already up and ready for his morning jog. He drank his usual dose of one litter of H2O before getting into his morning attire composed of a blue Adidas jogging suit and white Reebok running shoes.
As he jogged for half an hour, enjoying the fresh morning breeze, he felt really pumped up for the day. The customary scenes of boys delivering newspapers, Ramu Kaka distributing individual cans of milk, Alamelu Ammal putting kolam in front of her gate…touched and flowed past his eyes. They all knew him and he casually greeted them with a “good morning” and a smile to compliment to go with it. Like always, there were some foreigners taking a stroll. Most of them were high-profile tourists who stayed in Hotel Grand (a 5 star hotel in Colaba). Generally they came out to quench their curiosity regarding streets and tastes if Mumbai. Gopal cheerfully smiled at them. Some returned his smile, some did not.
He was just a 100 meters away from his apartment when he felt like peeing. There was a small park and there were not many around. This was the usual spot where he relieved himself after a long jog. But like everyday, Gopal conflicting thoughts battled in his mind:
“Shall I go to my flat and get the business done? Or shall I do it here in the park…in the open…?”
Options wrestled in the mind’s battleground. But finally the decided:
“Whatever…the eternal satisfaction of relieving oneself in the open air cannot be achieved in a small toilet….”
So Gopal slowly walked into the park and stood behind a huge banyan tree. There he closed his eyes and started urinating. The pungent smell of his earlier visits still lingered there. But, standing tall, with eyes shut…Gopal Sundaram looked as if he was a saint who was meditating hard to attain Nirvana.
“This is pure heaven…” Gopal thought in ecstasy.
But, little did Gopal know that there were eyes watching him and those eyes had a different perspective of looking at what he was doing.
Owing to the intensity of his stretched bladder and immense haste to relieve himself, Gopal seldom realised that there were other people in the Park…watching him.
To his far left sat a British Diplomat named Tony Flair.
Right behind Gopal, inconspicuous under the thick wines and broad leaves of Money Plant, sat a Chinese Spy named Mr.Jin Tan Cling.
And to his right sat an American tourist named Maria Peters.
The problem was that all three were first timers to India.
As the three watched Gopal in his act, three parallel thoughts ran in their minds respectively.
“Indian’s are the same….It has been 69 years since we pulled out, but there is hardly any improvement in their habits…” Tony Flair, the Englishman smirked with grim satisfaction. It gave him great satisfaction to see Indians in shades of their old colonial existence.
Tony Flair captured the images using in Xperia. He then shared those pics to his English friends back home so that they can all have a jibe at Indians and their way of life.
That is when a heavy wind stumbled across the park. The leaves and the trees started swaying under the fury of the wind. But the concentration of the Chinese spy was completely locked on Gopal and the Banyan tree. Jin Tan Cling hardly noticed the wind, but he was shocked to see the branches huge Banyan tree swinging mad.
“The Indian is drilling the tree with his cock… damn it!!! How the fuck can he rock the tree with his cock??? I need to get this to the authorities… maybe Damo (supreme authority) of Shaolin Temple can decipher the meaning of this…”
He immediately started capturing the images of a Gopal and the Banyan Tree using his Chinese version of iPhone, oblivious to the fact that he was capturing an Indian pee 😛
The American lady, Maria Peters was watching Gopal and as she watched, her blood ran hot, boiling her veins:
“How dare he does this in front of me….? Had it been in America, he would have been in jail by now…I need to inform the police” she searched for CCTV cameras, but there were none. So she took her iPhone (the real one) and started capturing the Video of Gopal shaking off his final drops.
But Maria was literally driven mad when she noticed that Mr. Jin Tan Cling was far ahead of her in capturing those images. Maria assumed that the images were already flying across internet.
And what more, she could never come to terms with a Chinese worm overtaking her in capturing the photograph of an Indian criminal.
“I will not let the Chinese overtake me in this….” she decided and was quick to jump into action.
Maria Peter immediately called the police and ran towards Gopal who was plodding away towards his apartment; happy and contended. He got the shock of his life Maria held him by the collar of his jogging suit.
“How dare you MASTURBATE in front of a woman? You swine….” Maria growled at him…
“What the…” before Gopal could complete his sentence, Maria slapped him. And before he could recover, officers of Mumbai Police was all over him.
Fifteen minutes from then, the entire episode was all over Twitter, Facebook and the e-versions of all the major dailies.
And without knowing anything…Gopal sat in the police station dumbstruck and clueless.
A morning jog that turned sinister taught him a great lesson :
“Never Pee In The Open “
Based on a real incident:
The Author of this blog is Srinath Krishnamoorthy who like millions out there is trying to figure out what needs to be done with life. After bidding good bye to an eventful software career that spanned just 3 small years, he right now breaking his head working on his MTech thesis. It also comes as a surprise that in his lunatic quest for “figuring out life” he ended up writing a novel “Hope We Never Meet Again” which will be coming out soon…how soon only god knows!!!